Divorce can be messy. Ending a relationship with someone you once imagined spending your life with is emotional enough on its own. Add years together, kids, property, and shared assets, and it can quickly become dramatic. Some people, however, seem determined to make it as petty as possible. Here are some of the dumbest, most ridiculous hills people have died on during divorce hearings, as shared by divorce lawyers and clients.

“During my friend’s divorce, her now ex-husband tried to write in the divorce agreement that she was only allowed to have sex with him for her entire life. He cheated on her multiple times and still wanted her to save herself for just him, or be with no one.” —Anonymous

“He didn’t want the custody of our kids, but he wanted all their old clothes that we had in storage so that he didn’t have to buy baby clothes for the baby that his mistress was pregnant with.” —Anonymous

“In the ’90s, I was hired on behalf of a man who came out after 15 years of marriage. The wife was extremely hostile over the fact that her husband, my client, was leaving her for the male vicar of their church. They fought over every household item, more than custody. When it came down to it, she refused to sign the settlement papers because of a rice maker. They were not commonly available at the time, were pricey, and had been a wedding gift from the same vicar. She knew its sentimental value, still, my client refused to give it up. I drove into L.A., found the exact model, cooked rice in it a few times, and brought it to our next hearing. I showed her what I had and said that if she signed the papers, she could have the rice maker. I never said it was the original. She signed. I heard later that she destroyed the ricemaker by driving over it multiple times in front of her kids. I told my client he was lucky that she didn’t drive over him a few times.”

“My mom and dad separated 16 years ago. My dad has been engaged twice now, but can’t get married because my mom refuses to finalize the divorce until he writes a letter to the Vatican asking for their marriage to be annulled through the Catholic church. He cheated on her throughout their 26 years of marriage, and even then, she was willing to work it out. (She’s a devout catholic so divorce isn’t in her vocabulary.) But since he’s the one who wants to remarry, she thinks he should do all the work in dissolving their marriage. As far as I know, he hasn’t done it yet. I think that’s why his first engagement ended.” —Anonymous

“My ex claimed I walked out, taking the toothpicks with me. He demanded I return them. I didn’t take his precious toothpicks!” —Anonymous
“I’m not an attorney, but my sister sent pictures of a sink full of broken eggshells that her husband left for her. Nothing else, just eggshells. The attorney was disgusted that a human would leave broken eggshells in the sink and completely agreed that he should be divorced. I think about this often.” —Anonymous

“She somehow won all my tools and woodworking supplies. It was worth thousands and thousands of dollars. She’s never hammered a nail in her life. She only did it to be petty.” —Anonymous

“I wanted a book back. Instead, he sent me a small box of sht. He told me that he literally ate the pages, and he ‘technically’ was giving the book back. I’m so glad I didn’t have kids with that dck.” —Anonymous

“The husband I represented dug in his heels over Easter holiday child visitation. The wife adamantly wanted the holiday. I also asked why it was so important to him since I knew he was an observant Reformed Jew. He said, ‘She’s a Christian. I don’t want her to get her holidays. Plus, her father is my rabbi. She just likes all the decorating, egg hunts, and candy because her father absolutely forbade any Christian celebrations while she was growing up.’ After six hours of back and forth, the judge stood up and walked out of chambers, most likely to avoid yelling at how childish the clients were.” —Anonymous

“My parents had a very messy, long divorce with multiple hearings and amendments made. The pettiest thing that happened in their divorce was that my dad asked my mom to reimburse him for the Jimmy John’s sandwich that he bought while he was painting our house. He was painting the house to put it on the market, a benefit to both him and my mom. Still, he requested reimbursement for the lunch he bought. Mind you, he was the reason for their divorce since he had an affair. It was extremely petty. My mom still laughs at it today!” —Anonymous

“In the hearing, my ex wanted me to promise that I would never date someone who looked like her cause it would ‘break her heart too much.’ The judge dubbed it ‘too abstract and vague to uphold,’ and denied it.” —Anonymous

“Since I won the board game and puzzle collection in the settlement, he took out one piece or card from each box first. I’m still mad about it.” —Anonymous

“I’m a retired California attorney. I actually had a golden retriever custody case that was eventually resolved when my client agreed to accept their dog’s next full litter, along with alternating weekend visitation. So much fighting about that dog, but there were no fights over child custody.” —Anonymous

“Their case all came down to their Beanie Baby collection. It got so messy that we had to settle one by one. It took days to get through them all.” —Anonymous

“I’m a matrimonial attorney in the suburbs of NYC. I represented the wife. In the settlement agreement, the husband listed the personal property he wanted from the marital residence. I kid you not, the husband asked for the lightbulbs!” —

“My friend’s dad was a divorce attorney. He was representing the wife in what should have been an open-and-shut case. They had no kids, minimal assets, and were married for less than 5 years. Instead, the case dragged almost as long as the marriage did, with each party filing a bunch of bullsh*t motions against the other. The final straw was a fight over a sectional couch. Neither party would settle, and they had to go to court for the couch. The judge, tired of seeing them in her courtroom, awarded the left side to the husband and the right side to the wife. My friend’s dad (the divorce attorney) quit family law and switched to criminal law after that case. He said it’s much less stressful representing murderers than petty divorces.” —Anonymous

“I had a client spend two days in mediation, fighting not over custody of kids, spousal support, or anything that normal. Instead, they fought over a Star Wars collection. I’m not talking about mint-condition, movie memorabilia that would be valuable, or expensive collectibles. Just random action figures, posters, and crap. Fought line item by line item. It was exhausting. I finally got to the point where I told him the amount of money he’s paying me in attorneys’ fees would replace everything two times over.” —Anonymous

“My ex-wife wanted me to pay for half of the cigars I left in the house. She even had them appraised by a cigar shop. I said she could have them if she agreed to smoke them. Or if she paid me for half of her shoes, scarves, and purses.” —Anonymous

“My client wanted it in writing that he couldn’t ever make comments or stand in the way of her relationship with his mother. My client said they had an incredibly close relationship, and she didn’t want any interference. The judge surprisingly granted it to her, only for the mom to refuse to ever see my client again after the divorce.” —Anonymous

“Oddly enough, the people who fight hardest, in my experience, were always the people with the least. They couldn’t pay off their debt while married, so of course, they hope the divorce will help pay it. But they can barely afford to pay me, their lawyer, and the judge usually saddles both parties in half anyway.” —

“This is the opposite of dying on a hill for something: When my best friend was young, she wanted out of her marriage so badly that she only took her car and her sewing machine. She walked away from all other assets, including their house, which was her family home inherited from her parents. She later married an amazing guy, and they’ve been happily together for 40+ years. The first guy died alone and young.” —

Divorce can bring out the petty side in even the most rational people, from ridiculous claims over toys and appliances to absurd restrictions and stipulations. These stories remind us that sometimes letting go is the best choice, and that the smallest things can turn into mountains in the midst of a divorce.